Awkward hummus sandwich

Well, so here is the thing – this week I was abandoned home. Joana is in a work trip and I am a miserable unemployed man. I really like to cook, but I hate cooking for myself. So this week’s video was, of course, a sandwich. And it was filmed without a camara-man (camara-woman in my case). Just like that. Like a boss. Still, the sandwich happened to be better than I expected.

Avocado and Beet Hummus Sandwich

Ingredients for 2 sandwiches (and some hummus leftovers):

Hummus:

1 Cup of Cooked Lentils

1 Roasted Beetroot

1 Garlic Clove

1 TBSP of Smoked Paprika

1 TBSP of Tahini

1 Lemon

Rest of the stuff:

4 Slices of Whole Grain Bread

1 Avocado

1 Cup of Chopped Kale

1 Bell Pepper

1 Tomato

3 Pieces of Sundried Tomato

4 Green Olives

Salt + Black Pepper

Instructions:

  • Cut the sack of your beet;
  • Cut the beet in pieces;
  • Halve the lemon and squeeze the motherf*cker like a man;
  • Throw your lentils, beet, lemon juice, smoked paprika, tahini, garlic clove, salt and black pepper into the food processor;
  • If you’re using canned lentils, maybe salt is not a wise ideia;
  • Slice the bell pepper, sundried tomato and fresh tomato;
  • Remove the pits from your olives;
  • Halve the avocado and slice it in the shell. Use the same genius technique I used in the video;
  • Throw your bell pepper, sundried tomato, olives and kale in a screaming hot pan;
  • I didn’t use any fat, like you can see in the video. But if your pan sucks, maybe you should use some. But, in that case, it may not be a good ideia to let your pan scream. Unless you want it to spit oil in your face;
  • Toast your bread;
  • Bread, hummus, avocado, slice of tomato, stuff;
  • Eat;

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Kcal Breakdown:

Blue – 56% Carbs

Red – 29% Fat

Green – 15% Protein

It helps A LOT if you comment 🙂

Nana Ice Cream with Molasses and Shit

Yeah yeah, I know – there is nothing new about a nana ice cream. And I know every f*ckin vegan blog has a recipe for this. And I know you really don’t need a f*ckin recipe for this. But I still know a lot a people who never ever heard about nana ice cream. So this recipe is probably not for you Mr. Smartass, but for you Mr. I Love HäagenDazs. If you never tried nana ice cream, you’re missing life.

Nana Ice Cream with Molasses and Walnuts

Ingredients for 2 gigantic portions:

10 Frozen Bananas

4 TBSP of Crushed Walnuts

6 TBSP of Pumpkin Seeds

1/4 Cup of Raisins

2 TBSP of Blackstrap Molasses

Cinnamon Powder

Vanilla Powder or Extract

Instructions:

  • Throw your f*ckin bananas in your food processor;
  • Be a smart boy and make it in two times if it’s necessary;
  • When your machine starts have problems to process all the sh*t, use a spatula and take from the sides;
  • Keep working on that shit for 10.000 hours;
  • When your beard feels thick and solid again, it’s probably ready;
  • In a bowl, mix the motherf*cker with some vanilla powder and swirl in your molasses and raisins;
  • Serve it and top it with your walnuts, pumpkin seeds and cinnamon;
  • If you don’t like my toppings, do whatever the f*ck you want;

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Kcal Breakdown:

Blue – 80% Carbs

Red – 14% Fat

Green – 6% Protein

It helps A LOT if you comment 🙂

 

THIS IS MOUSSAKA!!!!

Do you like men dressed in tunics? Do you like muscular bearded dudes fighting in underwear? So you must like greek food. This time I’m bringing you a vegan version of the world famous greek moussaka. And if you’re greek and you’re crying about how I ruined this dish because it has no lamb meat and bechamel – SUCK MY ASS!

Black Beans Moussaka

Ingredients for 3 or 4 portions:

2+1/2 cups of cooked black beans

4 big mushrooms

1 can of tomato

2 bay leaves

1 red onion

1 garlic clove

1/4 TSP of grounded cloves

1 TBSP of olive oil

15 kalamata olives

Dried or fresh thyme

Bread crumbs

2 baked sweet potatoes

2 baked aubergines

1 mozzarella cheese recipe (That Pizza)

Salt and black pepper

Instructions:

  • Just for you not to cry, I’ll explain again how I did the potatoes and aubergines;
  • Slice it, season with some salt, black pepper and oregano and throw the motherf*ckers in the oven 180ºC for about 30 minutes;
  • Now, start by slicing your onion and chopping your garlic;
  • Chop also your mushrooms in big chunks;
  • Add your olive oil to your hot pot and let it explode in your face and burn your eyebrows;
  • Throw in your onion, garlic and cloves, stir it and let it cooked covered for about 2 minutes. Don’t let the motherf*cker burn;
  • Add in your mushrooms and fry them always stiring until they become soft as cunts;
  • Add in your black beans, canned tomatoes and some salt and pepper;
  • Fill up about 1/2 of your tomato can with water and add it in;
  • Let it cook covered, on low heat, for about 20 minutes;
  • Allow it cool down for about an hour;
  • Remove the pits from your olives;
  • Put some bread crumbs on a glass tray, or something else you can stick in the oven;
  • Start layering your stuff, starting with a layer of potatoes, followed my aubergines and finally your black beans, olives and some thyme;
  • Check out the layering process in the video;
  • Your last layer will be the mozzarella cheese covered with some bread crumbs;
  • If by this time, you don’t have your mozzarella ready, you’re stupid as f*ck. Go see a doctor;
  • Cook your moussaka in the oven 180/200ºC for about 1 hour;
  • Allow it to cool down for AT LEAST 15 minutes before you cut it;
  • Be ready for some awesomeness;

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Kcal Breakdown:

Blue – 75% Carbs

Red – 11% Fat

Green – 14% Protein

It helps A LOT if you comment 🙂

 

 

 

 

Important Announcement

Yeah yeah, I know, I haven’t been blogging shit for ages now. But the simple true is: I don’t have as much time as I thought. I’ve been investing most of my time in my studies and improving my fitness, because as some of you people know, I’m studying to become a personal trainer and hopefuly get a job that I like. Unfortunately we all need money to live, so we have to prioritize. Although, I could say that I would study what I’m studying right now and train people for free, if I wouldn’t need money to live. I wouldn’t mind a single bit to spend most of my free time helping people to become healthier and feeling better about themselves. That said, let’s move on.

The thing is, I have a YouTube channel, as you SHOULD know. And I post videos at least twice a week. Filming and editing take some time. But the funny part is – it takes less time than writing in two languages. You see, writing both in portuguese and english can be really time consuming, specially if you want to mantain the same line of writing and try to be funny all the time. Sarcasm is something that you have to adapt to each language and different people. And the biggest problem is with nutrition posts. When I write about nutrition and other topics, I do a lot of research. I don’t take information out of my ass and vomit it on the blog. That’s not who I am and that’s the main purpose of my posts – teaching YOU to do some research. Do not believe any shit you see written on a blog without scientific data backup. And if it has backup, check it out. Don’t look at it and say “Oh, ok. There’s a link to pubmed so it should be true.” Be a bit more critic and take a look for yourself. And this is why it takes me so much time to write about nutrition.

So, why all this talking? To inform you that from now on, I’m changing this blog format. I will be posting weekly, directly from YouTube. I will post my YouTube videos here and I will write down the ingredient list and the preparation steps like before, but not so in detail, because you will have the video to help you. My vlog style videos will also be posted in here, if you’re interested in how an idiot like thinks.

And this is it.

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Beans and stuff burger with Chips

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Black Beans and Buckwheat Burger

Fast-food was never my thing. Very few would believe me, having in consideration my chubby look as a child, but when I was a little fella, I was never a big fan of burgers, chips, sodas, sandwiches or even candies or cookies. Everything the other kids would like, I wouldn’t. Not even pizza, believe it or not. I was a bit older when I started enjoying those kind of stuff, but even so, I can say that I probably had less thatn 20 meals in McDonald’s my entire life. Fast-food was never my thing. But even so, I became a fan of burgers and pizza some years later. Teenagers things. To be more exact, some years ago, the more meat I would have in a plate, the merrier! The rest of the ingredients would just be for decoration. Insignificant ornamental pieces. I was a dude to buy 3 burgers, trash 2 breads and throw the 3 burgers in the remaining bread. A man must eat meat. That was what I heard while growing up. And when I started training, the more meat I would eat, the bigger and stronger I would get. It was just logical. But the truth is I was never stronger or healthier for eating meat.

The recipe I’m sharing with you today is one of my favourite burgers. If you don’t know what buckwheat is, use that website that I told you once – www.google.com -, it contains a lot of useful information.

Ingredients for 2 fellas:
(plus some extra burgers)

Burger patties:

Burger bread
1/2 cup of Buckwheat groats
1+1/2 cup of Cooked Black beans (it can be canned)
1/2 Big Cucumber
1 Ripe Tomato
1 Red Onion
1 Red Bell pepper
1 Red Chilli
Your favourite Vegan Cheese
3 Pieces of Sundried Tomato
Mustard
Thyme
3 TSP of Smoked Paprika
2 TSP of Garlic powder
1/2 TSP of Salt
Black Pepper

Potatoes:

6 Potatoes (not so small)
Nutmeg

Black Pepper

Salt
Oregano

Garlic powder

Instructions:

Burgers:
  • Start by washing your buckwheat. Put the stuff in a bowl, fill it up with water, stir it with your hands and drain it. Repeat the process 3 or 4 times;

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  • Cook your buckwheat in a covered pot with water without salt for about 20 minutes in low heat. The amount of water you will be using should be about 3 times the amount of buckwheat. For 1/2 Cup of buckwheat, 1+1/2 Cup of water. Keep an eye on it, just to make sure the bastard will not suck it up all the water. In that case, you’ll need to… hmmmm… add more water;
  • In the meanwhile, cut the rest of the stuff;
  • Open the bell pepper and remove the seeds;
  • Grab some line and a thin needle. Make a small entrance in one of the seeds and pass the line through it. Keep repeating the process until you end up with a neckless of seeds;
  • If, in this momment, you’re holding a seeds neckless in your hands, you’re stupid;
  • Chop the bell pepper;
  • Chop also the oinion, sundried tomato, chilli and thyme;
  • If you don’t like spicy food, remove the seeds from your chilli;

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  • Is your buckwheat already cooked? Yes? And dry, whithout water and stuff? So throw it in the food processor;
  • Also throw in the black beans and put the machine working;
  • If the mix starts sticking to the sides, throw the machine through the window and run naked down the street. Or, with a spatula, scrape the mix from the sides and turn the machine on again;

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  • When you have some sort of a dough, like a paste, throw it in a big bowl and add in the stuff you chopped before;
  • Season the dough with the seasonings reffered in the burger ingredients section of the recipe. Mix the whole sh*t with your hands. But wash your f*ckin hands before ya?;

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  • Form burgers with the size you want;

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  • Throw your burgers in your fridge for half an hour;
Potatoes:
  • Set your oven on 200ºC;
  • Wash your potatoes and cut it like chips… or fries… or whatever you call it;
  • Season it with salt, black pepper, nutmeg, oregano and garlic powder;
  • Spread the potatoes in a baking tray, as much as possible;

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  • Throw it in the oven for about 30 minutes;
Rest of the scene:
  • While you have everything going on, prepare the final touch;
  • Grab a peeler and take thin slices of your cucumber, until you reach the core. Repeat the process around the thing until you have just the core;

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  • If you don’t have a peeler, you’re f*cked;
  • Keep the core for a smoothie or something;
  • Throw some salt on it and mix it. Don’t worry about the amount of salt, you’re gonna wash it later;
  • Leave your cucumber alone for 15 minutes;
  • Slice your tomato in thin slices. The one from the recipe;
  • 15 minutes already gone? So you must have some water in the bowl right? So now you’re gonna wash the cucumber to remove the excess of salt. Clean? So now squeeze it like a boss, to remove the max amount of water possible;
  • Now, you could mix your cucumber with some lemon juice, vegan sour cream, basil, or just leave it like that;

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  • Heat a pan on medium heat;
  • Toast your burger bread;
  • Fry your burgers in the pan, until they are… fried. No oil in the pan, as you can imagine. Unless your pan is a piece of crap. In that case, you may like to use some coconut oil, olive oil, peanut oil, I don’t know, whatever makes you happy;
  • Fry the burgers you want and keep the rest in the fridge or freezer;
  • Mount the tomato, cucumber and mustard in your bread and throw the burger and vegan cheese on the top;

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  • Serve with the potatoes. And ketchup if you desire;
  • And f*ck McDonald’s .|.

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This values are for 1 burger in the bread, with chips. Of course this depends on the bread you’re using, and the size of the burger and potatoes.

Kcal Breakdown:

Blue – 83% Carbs

Red – 5% Fat

Green – 12% Protein

It helps A LOT if you comment 🙂