A rice that was actually lebanese

“Rice powder. It doesn’t hurt at all. It’s from brown rice. Infernal. When you arrive with all your rice.”

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Brown rice and lentils

I like potatoes. And bread. And rice. But before I used to like grilled chicken. And I never cared that much when my mom would tell me to do not eat the skin because it was too fatty. I used to like grilled chicken a lot. But then I realized that grilled chicken was just a culinary term. I don’t recall making any connection between chickens and grilled chicken when I was a little child. I used to like chickens. They were cute. But I like grilled chicken better. When I was a bit older, I realized that grilled chicken was actually chicken. But I never gave the subject much attention. I used to like grilled chicken a lot. Some time ago I started thinking that this, this e this maybe didn’t worth how much I liked grilled chicken. Just as if I were a devoted to the art of cannibalism, maybe my own personal pleasure wouldn’t be enough to justify all the slaughter. I like grilled chicken a lot. But I also like being alive. And I imagine the others do as well.

But I like potatoes a lot tough. And bread. And rice. And lentils. But I like better rice. And rice with lentils. Which, after all, is also a traditional dish in Lebanon.

Ingredients for 4 people. Or maybe 6:

2 Cups of Brown Rice

2 Cups of Lentils

400 gr. of Brussel Sprouts

1 Red Onion

1 Red Chilli

1 Garlic Clove

1 Piece of Ginger
1 Bunch of Coriander

2 TBSP of Blackstrap Molasses

2 TBSP of Tahini

3 TBSP of Cury Powder

1 TBSP of Garam Masala

1 TBSP of Grounded Cumin

1 TSP of Paprika Powder

1 TBSP of Salt

Instructions:

  • Start by grabing your rice and lentils and wash the all stuff. Yes, rice and lentils are suposed to be washed. We like everything washed and clean around here;
  • Grab the all stuff and throw it in something. Yes, something where you can fit the all stuff and fill it with water. The amount of water should be, more or less, a lot. Quite a lot to be more accurate. Ok, it should at least 3 times the amount of rice and lentils together;
  • Already done? Everything swimming in water? So, get a sleep. Or make sweet love with your lover, he, or she, or both if you wish. Around here we don’t differenciate genders. Do what you like better. If you’re going to bed alone, well, there’s nothing I can do about is it? Life sucks;
  • Let your rice and lentils soaking in water overnight, or between 6 and 8 hours;
  • 8 hours already gonne? Get out the here! You should be from Hollywood;
  • If 8 hours had already passed, drain the water and wash the stuff;
  • Put a pot, a wok, a casserole, whatever makes you happy, as long as it’s large enough, heating up on the stove;
  • Cut your onion in slices. Or dices. I don’t know. Do whatever you want. You will not recognize the pieces when it’s done;

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  • Open your chilli in half and remove the seeds. Or leave it. If your curry powder is very hot, I don’t think leaving the seeds is a wise idea. Anyways, chop the motherf*cker;
  • And the garlic, if you please;
  • Wash the ginger nicely and chop it, skin and everything. Yes, with the skin. I kid you not. And I like to chop the ginger in big chunks, but you do as you wish;

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  • If your coriander has roots, wash it nicely and chop it as well. If your coriander does not have roots… well… I guess you will not be able to use it. But you can use some coriander seeds powder, if you want;

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  • Throw all that sh*t in your pot;
  • Stir it, add about 2 TBSP of water and cover it;

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  • Let it cook a minute or two in medium heat and add in the molasses, tahini and seasonings;
  • Add a bit more water – about½ cup – and put the lid back on. Let it cook for 2 minutes more in medium heat;

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  • Add in your rice and lentils and cover it with water. Don’t pour in water like a champ. The water should be enough to cover your rice and lentils, more or less. Let’s see, if your using 2 cups of lentils and 2 cups of rice, or 4 cups in total, the water you’ll be using will be about 6 or 7 cups. If it’s not enough, you can add in more later, don’t worry;

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  • Cover your pot and let it cook for about 1 hour and a half, in low heat. This can take more or less time, depending on your stove, pot, or even the rice and lentils itself. So, keep an eye on it, checking from time to time;
  • While your food is cooking, wash your brussel sprouts and cut in 4 pieces;
  • And the coriander, if you please;
  • When your rice and lentils are nearly ready, add in the brussel sprouts and let it cook for 10 or 15 minutes more, with the lid on. If it’s missing water, add a bit more;

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  • To know exactly if your rice and lentils are ready, you can pay me a trip to your country, give me shelter, food and some coins to spend around and I’ll check it for you. Or, you can grab a spoon and taste your f*ckin food!;
  • Serve your rice and lentils topped with the chopped coriander. You may also serve it with some vegan sour cream, if you like;
  • If it looks like too much food, keep the rest in a container and store it in the fridge. You can keep it for about 5 or 6 days;

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This values reffer to 1/6 of the recipe. If you want to eat more… eat!

Caloric Breakdown:

Blue – 75% Carbs

Red – 10% Fat

Green – 15% Protein

It helps A LOT if you comment 🙂

Soup. Soupy soup. Never heard about parsnips.

“It’s like eating water, with things floating in it.
It’s like eating a beverage, with things floating in it.
It’s like eating mud, with dirt mixed in it.
It makes me want to throw up.”

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Parsnip soup with fresh green beans and roasted almonds

Soup. Soupy soup. Those vegetables, legumes and stuff, that adopt the form of a cream, pure or some sort of a bucket of water with green things inside. For many of us the real nectar of life, for others the only real excuse to eat plants, and for some it’s just some crappy food meant for the poor. Oh soup. Soupy soup.

Did you like soup when you were a child? Of course not. And do you remember how would your mother not allow you to eat the rest of the food, if you wouldn’t eat the soup first? And do you remember that the rest of the food was usually steaks and fries? Even without knowing it, you and her, there was some sort of logic behind this – it’s because the soup was way more important to you than the steak and fries.

I was always very skilled with the fork. My mom never had to make me eat anything. She use to say that, when I was a child, I would drink poison if she would give me. Now that I think about, that’s kind of suspicious…

For 2 soup lovers or 4 mama’s boys

Ingredients:

2 Parsnips

½ Celery root

1 Garlic clove

1 TBSP Vegetable stock powder (organic if I may suggest)

1 Handful of thyme

2 Cups of White beans (previously soaked)

1 Handful of Fresh green beans

Black pepper

Nutmeg

Salt

1 Handful of Roasted almonds

Instructions:

Do you know what parsnips are? Parsnips? That thing that looks like a white carrot? You don’t? Just because of it, for free and shit, I’ll give you a website where you can find this kind of information – www.google.com – but, hey, don’t go out there spreading this like crazy, telling people that I’m giving you this kind of knowledge for free.

  • Peel your parsnips with a peeler (or with that crappy knife if you’re older than 63);
  • Peel also your celeriac. And it’s a pain in the ass to do it, I know;
  • Cut everything in dices or however the f*ck you want – you’re gonna blend it anyways;
  • Remove the leafs from the thyme sprigs, one by one… you’re such a dumbass. Come on man! Just do that sh*t! If it have tiny pieces of sprigs, lot’s of flavour my friend;
  • Throw the whole sh*t into a pot;
  • Add in a tablespoon of vegetable stock powder and the whole garlic clove;

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  • If you’re working with pre-soaked white beans, but still raw, you can add right now. If you’re like me, and you always have cooked beans in your freezer, you can add it later. If you’re working with canned beans, you can also add it later. If you didn’t soak your beans yet, close this window and leave me alone;
  • Fill up the pot with water, a bit more than enough to cover all the stuff;
  • Let it boil and then let it cook on low heat, always covered, for about 1 hour;
  • In the meanwhile, slice your fresh green beans;

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  • Finally add your beans and let it cook 10 extra minutes;IMG_1114.JPG
  • It’s now time to blend this whole sh*t up. You have several options here:
  1. That trashy hand blender that will leave your soup looking like sh*t and full of unblended chunks – which is not always bad;
  2. Blend your stuff in a blender, just as I like to do – and I’m warning you in advance that you’ll need a bowl to pour your soup in, because you’ll need to blend this in 2 or 3 times;
  3. Finally, if you’re a 21rst. century housewife, open that cupboard door – you know, that one with the f*cked up door handle – , check behind the old inox milk mug, just between the electric egg cooker and the stone made mortar, somewhere over there you should find your a 1000 euros thermomix, which didn’t really cost a 1000 euros because you bought it on sale. This is your opportunity to use it. Just remember to wash it, because of the dust;
  • When your creamy soup it ready, pour it back to the pot. Add some water if you find it too thick. Now, do that thing that you never do – taste your f*ckin food! Does it need salt? So add it in. Add also in some black pepper and nutmeg;
  • Add in the fresh green beans, cover the pot and let it cook in low heat for 10 minutes;

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  • Taste a spoonful of soup, and make sure you grab some pieces of green beans, to check if you just made a law abiding soup;
  • Serve your soup in your favourite bowl and throw some cracked roasted almonds on the top of it;
  • Done;

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Breakdown Calórico:

(for 2 fellas; almonds included)

Blue – 60% Carbs

Red – 24% Fat

Green – 16% Protein

It helps A LOT if you comment 🙂

 

Giant beans, chestnuts and stuff with rice

“Senzu beans. I love those, I love those, senzu beans.”

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Eggplant, giant beans and chestnuts stew with rice

I still do not understand why the ideia that one not eating animal products can be expensive. This is a very twisted ideia, shared normally by omnivores. But I’ve heard the exact same thing from plant eaters. More expensive? Bro, what the hell have you been eating? Someone didn’t study the lesson very well before turning into veganism. Beans, chickpeas, lentils, rice, grains, potatoes and cabbage is expensive? Those are just some of the cheapest products all around the globe and, in fact, the solid base of any balanced diet (unless you have any special condition of course). Beans, grains and rice is something you can buy bulk, in huge amounts, and you can store and have tons of it at home, because this sh*t simply doesn’t go bad! I buy tons of beans, chickpeas, lentils, etc., soak, boil and then freeze the whole sh*t. It’s always ready to use and it’s way cheaper than buying canned stuff. Fruit, nuts, seeds and other vegetables can be more expensive, depending where you live, but the last time I checked, the price for a kg of bananas, oranges, tomatoes or broccoli was still much less than for fish or meat. And no, you don’t need to eat soy based products daily to replace the meat – whatever that means. Also, if you keep buying all those veggie burgers, soy ham and fake meats, at the end of the day you’ll be eating sh*t loads of processed food and your diet will be a mess. Just to make it clear, I’m not talking about tofu or tempeh for example! Those are normally just as processed as any cheese or fermented food. We also like tofu and tempeh, we just don’t eat it a lot. Sometimes once a week, sometimes not even that. And it’s not just because it’s relatively “expensive”. It’s more because we don’t even remember.

Now, just cut the bullsh*t and go get your beans and green stuff and you’ll see you’ll be saving some cash. Try just replacing some of your big meals or even try it for a week. You’ll see I’m right. If you lack on free time, or if you’re just a lazy motherf*cker, do it like me – cook one or two big pots of stew or something that last you for a week. There is nothing I like to cook better than big pots. At our place, we love stews, cury, casseroles and stuff like that. And rice. Lots of rice. Specially Joana.

For 3 people – or 2 hungry fellas

Ingredients:

Stew:

½ Eggplant

1 Red Onion

1 Garlic clove

1 Can of Chopped Tomato (400 gr)

1 Cup of Dried Chestnuts

2 Cups of Giant Beans – Black or white

1 Bunch of Coriander

1 Tablespoon of Turmeric

1 Tablespoon of Fennel seeds

1 Tablespoon of Grounded Cumin

1 Tablespoon of Paprika

1 Teaspoon of Salt

Black pepper

Rice:

1+½ Cup of Basmati Rice

1 Tablespoon of Lemon juice

Salt

Instructions:

Stew:

Before we start – did you soak your giant beans? No? So how the f*ck do you expect to do cook this? Jeez… I told you about this in this post! Just start shopping you beans dried, soak it, boil it and freeze it. BAM! Always ready to go. Fantastic. Well, if you have no cooked giant beans in the freezer, use the canned ones.

  • Grab that onion and garlic clove and chop it roughly. Yes bro, just do what I’m saying. That’s for a stew, there is no need to be perfectly chopped;
  • Take out that green thing from the eggplant with your teeth. Really? Did you really try it? You’re such a moron… cut the eggplant in cubes with 1,5 cm;

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  • Throw everything in a pot, cover with the lid and put it on medium heat. I don’t use any fat, you know. The lid helps to create some moisture. Let it cook for 5 minutes or so, always keeping an eye on it. Don’t let the motherf*cker burn;

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  • Add in the spices – turmeric, fennel seeds, cumin, paprika, salt and pepper – and½ cup of water. Mix it well, cover it and let it cook for 5 minutes more;

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  • Take out the paper around the can of chopped tomatoes and throw it in the recycle bin. So you don’t recycle? Because you don’t have a recycling station at your door? Ah, ok. I thought you were saying that you have no legs. Pffff. If you don’t have a recycling station at your door it’s totally understandable. Open the can and pour the tomato in the pot. Fill up the can with water and pour it also in there. Stir it well. Throw the can in the recycle bin;
  • Add in the dried chestnuts and let it cook for 45 minutes/1 hour, always covered, on low heat heat. A good stew must cook for long time, very slowly;

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  • Drink a coffe, wash your face and give me some reps of burpees, push ups, pull ups, squats, rope skipping, or just read a book, watch YouTube, read my blog, I don’t know, do something while your stew is cooking;
  • Now, take a look at your stew, check if the eggplant is tender and the chestnuts are soft. Yes? What about the seasoning? All good? Nice. So add in your cooked giant beans (if you’re working with the canned ones, drain it and wash it well before), cover the pot with the lid again and let it cook for another 10 minutes;

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Rice:
  • In the meanwhile, wash your rice, like 3 or 4 times, drain it and boil it in 2+½ cups of water. Explaning this, for basmati rice, the ratio should be 1:1+½, that means – for 1 cup of rice, you will be using 1+½ of water. For regular long grain rice, the ratio is 1:2 – for 1 cup of rice, you will be using 2 cups of water;
  • Put your rice and water in a pot, stir it, lid on and let it boil. When it’s boiling, add in the lemon juice and stir it again. Lid on one more time, and let it cook for about 8 minutes. After that time, take it out from the heat, and, still covered, let it rest for 5 extra minutes. Or just buy a rice cooker, throw everything in, turn the machine on and relax;
Rest of the scene:
  • When the stew is ready, add in some chopped coriander;

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  • Serve your stuff in your favorite bowl and dig in;

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Caloric Breakdown:

Azul – 83% Carbs

Vermelho – 5% Fat

Verde – 12% Protein

It helps A LOT if you comment 🙂

Not the Captain’s Crispy Fingers

“I know how they like everything is to be.”

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Tofu Crispy Fingers

I remember when I use to think that fish fingers were produced inside the Captain’s ship. I always wanted to meet him. Sometimes I use to thik that I would like to go “upnorth” to join him in the boat. Upnorth, because when you’re a citizen of the Reign of Culatra Island, well, everything is upnorth. And a fella like this, he had to be from the north, as it for me everything beyond the National Road 125 was north.

Before I use to find it odd how could the Captain be different every time. Now, what I find really odd, is that how can a fully bearded sailor man be sailing with children since 1971 and never had problems with the justice. Aye Captain.

For 2 People:

Ingredients:

500 gr Silken Tofu

Oven baked chips:

2 Bigass Sweet Potatoes

1 Tablespoon Smoked Paprika

1 Teaspoon Paprika powder

1 Teaspoon Garlic powder

1/2 Teaspoon Salt

1/2 Teaspoon Nutmeg

Batter:

1/4 Cup Chickpea flour

1/2 Cup Water

Crumbs thingy:

1/2 Cup Oats

2 Tablespoons Whole Cornmeal

1 Teaspoon Garlic powder

1 Teaspoon Cumin

1 Teaspoon Turmeric

1/2 Teaspoon Salt

1 Lemon Zest

1 Lime Zest

Tahini Dip:

1 Tablespoon Tahini

1 Tablespoon Mustard

1 Tablespoon Maple Syrup

1 Tablespoon Water

4 Tablespoons Lemon Juice

Instructions:

  • First step is to drain your tofu – open the package, take it off and put it a drainer, over and covered by a towel, with something heavy over it. Yes, it is a wise idea to have a bowl under the drainer;
  • Let it drain for 2 hours;
Oven baked chips:
  • Grab your potatoes and wash it well. If you come again with that story that you don’t like potatoes with skin, buzz off!;
  • If you’re at least 67 years old, grab the potatoes and cut it, in your hand, with the tiniest and most f*cked up knife you have at home;
  • If you haven’t developed such technic yet, grab a wet towel, place your board over it and cut the potatoes, like chips or so, with a decent knife;
  • Throw them into a bowl and season it with the stuff I listed above, Yes, no fat, you know;

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Batter:
  • The batter is the stuff where you’re gonna stick your tofu in, before you “bread” it;
  • Grab your chickpea flour, throw it in a bowl and start adding water, mixing little by little, to do not form any lumps. Very hard;
Crumbs thingy:
  • Grab the oats and grind it, in a food processer, coffe grinder, blender, with a knife, your feet, your head, I don’t know. Or just use the same amount of bread crumbs;
  • Grab all the stuff that says on the list and mix everything with the processed oats;
  • Take the zest of a lemon and a lime and mix with the rest;

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Tahini Dip:
  • Mix the mustard with the tahini;
  • Add the maple syrup and add slowly the lemon juice, always mixing;
  • When everything is nicely mixed, start adding the water, little by little;
  • Check if everything is  affianced (afiançado like we use in the south of Portugal);
  • If you have no knowledge of such word, put yourself on a plain to Faro, take the bus to Olhão, the boat to Culatra Island and just ask the folks from the sea;

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The rest of the scene:
  • Turn your oven on 200ºC;
  • Spread your lovely potatoes in your lovely tray covered by lovely baking paper, or that lovely silicone crap, and stick it in your lovely warm oven;

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  • Prepare another lovely tray;
  • Cut the tofu not too thin;

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  • Prepare the “breading” line. Prepare what? For the love of f*cking god… put your batter and your crumbs thigy inside something where you can fit the tofu in…;
  • Dip the tofu in the batter, roll it on the crumbs and place it in the tray;

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  • Stick it in the oven, along with the potatoes;
  • 30 minutes;
  • Serve the potatoes in a big m*therf*cking bowl, your tahini dip in a small bowl and the tofu crispy fingers in a serving plate;
  • Eat everything with your hands, like an animal, suck your fingers and thrash the all place down;

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Caloric Breakdown:

Blue – 57% Carbs

Red – 22% Fat

Green – 21% Protein

We appreciate comments 🙂

And you help A LOT if you do 🙂

Soba, Zoba, Zopa, or whatever the f*ck they call it

“This is the lasta tima I do this shit.”

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Soba with Mushroom creamy sauce

Do you remember when you were a kid and your mother use to cook those steaks with Parmalat’s mushroom cream for you? Do you? Do you? With that shinny spaghetti with butter? I don’t. Mom never gave me that pleasure. But I do remember Benfica’s shirt with the Parmalat logo on it.

Soba is kind of a japanese traditional “spaghetti”. Although this one is not like the italian traditional pasta, which is normally made with wheat. This one is made of buckwheat. The word soba itself means buckwheat, according to Son Goku’s mother language. There are a lot of brands out there selling soba made solely with buckwheat and water, but keep an eye on it – gluten free fellas -, some varieties may also contain regular wheat flour.

4 People

Ingredients:

Mushroom creamy sauce:

6 Mushrooms (whatever variety you prefer)

⅓ Cup of Cashews

5 Dates

2 Tablespoons of Miso paste

1,5 Cup of Warm Water

Marinated Mushrooms:

2 Mushrooms (whatever variety makes you happy)

Handful of dried mushrooms (shiitake variety or other)

1 Tablespoon of Tamari sauce

1 Tablespoon of Sesame oil

600 gr of Soba

1 Red Onion

1 Garlic clove

1 Bunch of Coriander

Instructions:

Marinated Mushrooms:
  • Grab your dried mushrooms and put it in hot water, to hydrate;
  • Grab the two mushrooms, clean it and cut it in thin slices;
  • Throw the sliced mushrooms into a bowl and add in the tamari and sesame oil;

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  • Go check the dried mushrooms. Are they still dry? So? They’re looking fluffier han big boy? So throw it all to that bowl;
  • Mix the all sh*t and keep it somewhere;

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Mushroom creamy sauce:
  • Do you see the ingredient list where it says “mushroom creamy sauce”? Do you copy that? So grab the whole sh*t and brutalize it all in the blender! What? Still don’t have a f*ck*n blender? Keep looking and don’t dig…;

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The rest of the scene:
  • Now that you have more or less everything on wheels, let’s get busy;
  • Boil some water in a pot;
  • Now, cut me that red onion and the garlic in nice thin slices;
  • And just chop the coriander, by the way; 
  • Heat up your wok and smack on of those mushrooms that makes you laugh;
  • Throw in the onion and garlic and fry that sh*t up;

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  • If it starts sticking, add a tablespoon of water or so, there is no need to use fat in here;

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  • If your water is boiling, throw in the soba and let it cook for 5 minutes;
  • When your thing is fried, pour in the mushroom creamy sauce into the wok. Clean the blender with a spatula to do not have any waste. BTW, in portuguese we call a spatula a salazar, which is our old good dictator’s name… don’t ask me…;
  • Drain the soba and throw it in the wok. Mix the stuff;

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  • Serve in 4 big ass bowls, with the marinated mushrooms and chopped coriander on the top;

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Yes, I know I don’t have coriander on mine.

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Caloric Breakdown:

Azul – 75% Carbs

Vermelho – 11% Fat

Verde – 14% Protein

We appreciate comments 🙂