Not the Captain’s Crispy Fingers

“I know how they like everything is to be.”

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Tofu Crispy Fingers

I remember when I use to think that fish fingers were produced inside the Captain’s ship. I always wanted to meet him. Sometimes I use to thik that I would like to go “upnorth” to join him in the boat. Upnorth, because when you’re a citizen of the Reign of Culatra Island, well, everything is upnorth. And a fella like this, he had to be from the north, as it for me everything beyond the National Road 125 was north.

Before I use to find it odd how could the Captain be different every time. Now, what I find really odd, is that how can a fully bearded sailor man be sailing with children since 1971 and never had problems with the justice. Aye Captain.

For 2 People:


500 gr Silken Tofu

Oven baked chips:

2 Bigass Sweet Potatoes

1 Tablespoon Smoked Paprika

1 Teaspoon Paprika powder

1 Teaspoon Garlic powder

1/2 Teaspoon Salt

1/2 Teaspoon Nutmeg


1/4 Cup Chickpea flour

1/2 Cup Water

Crumbs thingy:

1/2 Cup Oats

2 Tablespoons Whole Cornmeal

1 Teaspoon Garlic powder

1 Teaspoon Cumin

1 Teaspoon Turmeric

1/2 Teaspoon Salt

1 Lemon Zest

1 Lime Zest

Tahini Dip:

1 Tablespoon Tahini

1 Tablespoon Mustard

1 Tablespoon Maple Syrup

1 Tablespoon Water

4 Tablespoons Lemon Juice


  • First step is to drain your tofu – open the package, take it off and put it a drainer, over and covered by a towel, with something heavy over it. Yes, it is a wise idea to have a bowl under the drainer;
  • Let it drain for 2 hours;
Oven baked chips:
  • Grab your potatoes and wash it well. If you come again with that story that you don’t like potatoes with skin, buzz off!;
  • If you’re at least 67 years old, grab the potatoes and cut it, in your hand, with the tiniest and most f*cked up knife you have at home;
  • If you haven’t developed such technic yet, grab a wet towel, place your board over it and cut the potatoes, like chips or so, with a decent knife;
  • Throw them into a bowl and season it with the stuff I listed above, Yes, no fat, you know;


  • The batter is the stuff where you’re gonna stick your tofu in, before you “bread” it;
  • Grab your chickpea flour, throw it in a bowl and start adding water, mixing little by little, to do not form any lumps. Very hard;
Crumbs thingy:
  • Grab the oats and grind it, in a food processer, coffe grinder, blender, with a knife, your feet, your head, I don’t know. Or just use the same amount of bread crumbs;
  • Grab all the stuff that says on the list and mix everything with the processed oats;
  • Take the zest of a lemon and a lime and mix with the rest;


Tahini Dip:
  • Mix the mustard with the tahini;
  • Add the maple syrup and add slowly the lemon juice, always mixing;
  • When everything is nicely mixed, start adding the water, little by little;
  • Check if everything is  affianced (afiançado like we use in the south of Portugal);
  • If you have no knowledge of such word, put yourself on a plain to Faro, take the bus to Olhão, the boat to Culatra Island and just ask the folks from the sea;


The rest of the scene:
  • Turn your oven on 200ºC;
  • Spread your lovely potatoes in your lovely tray covered by lovely baking paper, or that lovely silicone crap, and stick it in your lovely warm oven;


  • Prepare another lovely tray;
  • Cut the tofu not too thin;


  • Prepare the “breading” line. Prepare what? For the love of f*cking god… put your batter and your crumbs thigy inside something where you can fit the tofu in…;
  • Dip the tofu in the batter, roll it on the crumbs and place it in the tray;


  • Stick it in the oven, along with the potatoes;
  • 30 minutes;
  • Serve the potatoes in a big m*therf*cking bowl, your tahini dip in a small bowl and the tofu crispy fingers in a serving plate;
  • Eat everything with your hands, like an animal, suck your fingers and thrash the all place down;



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And keep it green. Keep it real!

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Caloric Breakdown:

Blue – 57% Carbs

Red – 22% Fat

Green – 21% Protein

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